Post Divorce I was able to get back on my road bike after years of full time dad. I was 20-25 lbs overweight, out of shape. I moved to a town that was about an hour away from my kids and I knew the cycling community from the 90s racing scene. I got back into cycling in a big way, riding 15 plus hours a week. I got myself strong enough I could win the weekly races. It was fulfilling.

The second season of me being fit was about to start. I was on a ride with a couple guys and I felt off. My arms were numb. Didn’t think much of it, I just rested for the following week. Then, on the local Sunday ride which was a very hard ride, I gave it the beans on one of the climbs, and I felt satisfied with my level of fitness, I felt fine. Then, 30 min later on another climb I felt horrible. I had to climb off my bike, all the guys going by asking if I was ok, I said no. Then they were all gone, they just rode away. Then I was sitting on the ground. Something was wrong but I didn’t know what.

Then one of the guys pulled up, he had got a flat tire and was behind the group. He said, we need to get you to the hospital. I got back on my bike, and rode/he pushed me to my place. We were fairly close. He drove me to the hospital.

They rushed me in immediately, and did a bunch of tests. Then the doctor came in after a time and said “ you are having a heart attack”. As I am writing this, the tears swell up. WTAF. How is that possible? 41, fit, take pretty good care of myself. What is going on?

They said they were going to admit me overnight, and gave me a bunch of medications. I texted my ex wife to tell her what was going on. She said, should I bring the kids? I said “no, I don’t want them to see me like this, lets wait.” Then, alarms went off on all the machines I was attached too. Nurses came rushing in, eyes bigger than they should be. They were worried. After things calmed down, gave me more drugs the doctor said we are sending to you cardic ICU overnight. I texted my ex wife again, I said “ so, this happened and they don’t seem to know what’s going on, maybe you should bring kids”. At this point I was thinking, I might not make it through the night.

I was taken to ICU, hooked up, settling in. My ex wife arrived with my kids, they all looked worried and oddly enough I was the one calm, trying to comfort everyone. Hugs happened, ex wife sat down and didn’t say much. Then, alarms went off again. Everyone was rushed out of the room, and I exchanged a look with my ex wife. It was, “this might be it” look.

Well, I made it. I went from a normal man my age being a 3% risk of heart attack to 4% risk. They did all types of crazy tests to sort out what happened, but really they didn’t know. I asked “can stress do this?” The cardiologists said yes absolutely but we don’t have a metric for it.

That was all I needed to hear. I knew that’s what it was. I know that the constant tension, anxiety, stress I felt was why this happened. I got to work to change my life. I was far from ready to say goodbye to the world, my kids.

I had been living in a small town, trying to piece a new life together post divorce. I had a super small suite I rented, a few cycling friends locally. A job that I commuted 45 min for. I was starting to feel a bit better about things. I had an 90s VW jetta that I paid $600 for. Oddly, it was a car I had always wanted in highschool. Someone had put a GTI interior in it, a euro front grill. It was kinda fun. I need some repair work done on it so I found a local garage. I was going to pick it up one day, riding my bike to get it. Stopped at the coffee shop for a bit. And that is all I remember of the day. I woke up in the hospital, my cell phone placed on my chest. I was confused.

Eventually the doctor came in. He said, “they did a great job saving your ear.” WTF are you talking about? Today, you can see some scars where they reattached it, yup, I am lucky. I was being told that I “fell off my bike” and hit my head. They had records from the ambulance of me speaking with them but I have zero memory of that. Severe concussion. But I was sent home pretty quickly. It’s highly unlikely I “fell” . I went to the place they found me. I am a very skilled rider and there looked to be no reason why I would crash solo. This haunted me for a couple years, but I had to just let it go as to how things happened.

The weeks that followed were so scary. I could not speak clearly, my vision was a mess. I could see, but then without warning things would go 2 dimensional. This went on for months, and I was eventually preparing myself for what life might look like. At some point I tried going back to work, and I was capable of it. But what this taught me was that all we have is the moment. I spent time with my kids and just soaked it up. IMO , this was the universe tapping me on the shoulder saying “ Hey Brandon, you need to slow down and learn how to take care of yourself or bad shit is gonna happen”. I listened, for a minute then I got back at the grind, cause what the heck else was I supposed to do? The heart attack was the universe going, “hey man, I gotta knock you down a bit harder, you didn’t do what you needed to last time”.

I listened the second time and took ownership of my life and experience which is where I started to uncover these next parts of my story and how they shaped me.

Oh man, I am not sure what to share here for you. At 28, I thought I was so ready to get married. Looking back, I was a kid inside. I knew nothing. I didn’t know who Brandon was. I didn’t know anything about anything that mattered as far as relationships of any kind. But, non the less I fell head over heels for her. We didn’t date very long before we got married which was a childish thing to do, and kids came very quickly after. Not the best decision but I am grateful for my kids. There are all kinds of things I can see now that I did in that relationship that set it up to never work. Was she the right choice? That’s a whole nother topic that we won’t touch.

The divorce was inevitable with the skills I had. We had grown apart, being parents was draining and all consuming. We hadnt had sex in literally years, and I just cruised along not really worrying about it, thinking at some point she would “snap out of it”. That’s not the way relationships work at all, but I had no idea.

While I did have some pain around losing my partner it was more my kids that was the hard part. My ex wife and I had not been close for so long that it wasn’t really a huge loss when it finally happened as the emotional connection had long evaporated. But not seeing my kid daily, that was what really crushed me. Feelings of failure, shame, guilt, loneliness took over. Because I didn’t have a close relationship with my parents ( more on that next) I was in an emotional void.

I did my best to start rebuilding a new life. It was hard as fuck to get back up and try to keep moving through life. The financial stress was never bigger than the years between divorce and heart attack. I was more broke than I had ever been in my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was numbing myself out. I was a fairly charming guy, and finding women to date was easy. It was shallow though. I had no bandwidth emotionally, and I was unaware of it. I simply thought this was what life was like. Stressful, unfulfilling. I tried to find some happiness. I started training on my bike again but it was ultimately just another way to numb out the things I didn’t know how to deal with.

This is the meat of who I am. The things that formed my experience. My mom and dad. It’s the same for everyone. As kids, they are our everything. They are our gods and we look to them for everything from food and shelter, how to relate to other humans, what a marriage means, what life means. I didn’t know any of this til my late 30’s, it just didn’t click how life works.

My mom…..she was a troubled human. She was married at 15. Yup, 15. A kid. Had me when she was 20. There is so much wrong with that whole scenario. WTF is a 20 year old dude doing courting a 15 year old? Creepy. As I have dug into myself and figuring out the different layers that form my perception of the world I came across information on how parents influence us. A humans connection with their mother is paramount and the most influential aspect to how we develop. I didn’t not have a connection with my mom for various reasons out of her control. I feel unloved by my mom to this day. I know in her way she might feel love for me, but she cannot show it. That had left me hurt and bitter for decades. I am more at peace with it now and have learned how to fill that part of my soul that feels empty myself with healthy practices and skills. Even though this is a painful part of my life, it has given me a lens that allows me to understand the human experience on a deep level, which i am quite grateful for now.

My dad……funny enough, I feel loved by my dad. That said, I have no relationship with him. Why? There are layers to that but ultimately both my parents have no concept of what caring for people means. My dad has some messed up views on the world that I will share in the next part but it limited his ability to teach me anything meaningful. How to be a man? Fuck no, he had no idea what that even is. His inability to have a spine and “stand up” to my mom in a value based way was something I can see clearly now. Growing up, I was just looking ot him for direction, but wasn’t getting any. At age 14 I shut down and just started counting the days til I could leave the toxic environment I was in.

I will say this about my parents. I know they did their best with what they had and what they believed to be true.

I have thought alot about this and how it influenced me, and I want to share this first. I was just an amplification of a version of every person’s upbringing. How does that make any sense at all? Well, we are all raised in a bubble of sorts. Our parents pass on their knowledge and beliefs to us. It just so happens mine had some beliefs that were based on religion.

It makes me sad to recognize now that the beliefs they have are designed to alienate and isolate people. The really hard part for me to accept is they believe their relationship with god as they know it is more important then anything. That their relationship with their spouse is second and then kids. It was an environment where I never felt loved, where i felt never good enough and was taught that this was normal. It’s not. I had my first birthday when I was 28. My exwife through me a party. Can you imagine growing up NEVER being celebrated for who you are? It’s not right. But its a tactic to keep people controlled and small. I understand it now.

I am ex communicated. I left that religion when I got married. I knew for a long tie it wasnt for me, but they cut you off from any other contact or connection from people outside, so if you decide to leave you are alone. To this day, I don’t hear from my parents. My kids don’t know who they are. I recently reached out as I had healed enough of the pain to be able to sit in a room with them. I went to see my mom and was super honest with how I felt. SHe actually apologized for not being able to love me the way I needed to be, and I appreciate that. I was looking to see if there was a way to have a relationship with her, but it’s 10 months later and I have heard from her once. So, I guess not.

I understand my parents’ world and experience now. My mom is 2nd generation in that cult and my dad 4th. When you have been told that’s the way things are for 7 decades, and all you family believes the same things, you are pretty stuck in that. It’s not for me. I would rather face the pain and deal with the scars than stay in something toxic. I want better for my kids too.

Well, I am surprised you are still here. I told you at the start don’t really follow the “normal” including this bio page. My life today is unlike anything I knew was possible. I have relationships with my kids, something I didn’t know was a thing, because I was out at 17 and never really had much to do with my parents after that. I am so grateful that I get to know them, share all this crazy stuff I have learned about humans and life with them so they can have a different experience than me.

I turn 50 4 days from now. When you read this, I will be 50(or older). Its been a mind fuck for me. I feel great physically, most people’s faces show shock when I tell them my age. Mentally and emotionally I am better than ever.Yet, the things I have worked through are still there and I see that’s how life works now. The hard part is feeling like I have not set up my kids for “success” yet. That’s a deeply personal share, and I know I am doing fine in that area, but it is a spot in my psyche that is there.

I feel like I am just getting started in many areas of my life. Mentoring men, ya that’s going to be happening when I am 70, no doubt in my mind. What it looks like, I am not sure. You are probably wondering about my personal romantic relationship. I find it hard. I am trying my best, I am working on it all the time. I have gone through periods of shame around this. I have asked myself, “who the fuck do you think ou are trying to help people when you can’t even do this well yourself?”. It’s been a lot of work for me to overcome that. And here is what I say to that part of my self talk…..

My life experiences have formed who I am. I have challenges. I have had to work hard to understand myself, my behaviour, and how it all fits together. And what that has given me is a lens where I have had to learn, so I can turn around and share. Not from a place of blindly following me, but a place of “ Brandon struggles with this the same as I do”. Human helping human.

I can find joy in all parts of my life, that to me is the secret. I can be sad, mad, confused, unsure and still be joyful. Sound insane? Impossible? Like I said, I am in a place I didn’t know existed. Now, my mission is mentor men who want to see that place too.

Thank you for taking the time to get to know me. If you feel like it, I would like to get to know you too. Just know, you are not alone.