Men need to own our behaviour, no matter why it’s happening.

by Brandon Archer | Aug 10, 2021 | Mens Work / Mens Coaching

This post is with so much grace and love for Men challenged with this, I am right there with you. Behaviour is a funny thing.

We are told what is good and bad behaviour, we are told your behaviour hurts me, change your behaviour. I want to say, I believe humans are fundamentally good. I have met very few people that TRY to have poor behaviour.

Then the question needs to be asked, why do we exhibit poor behaviour?

If we as men want to care for, love, cherish our partners, why do we say and do things that are simply, not ok, sometimes horrible and mean to the woman we love? Why do we the next day say oh crap, why did I say that? Or, why cannot we OWN our behaviour, say sorry, I will do better, I will change me behaviour?

I believe men WANT to have good behaviour. It’s the wounded child within that is the issue.

What does this mean? It means we all have things from the past that we carry, and sometimes ( ok alot of the time ) we bring them into the present and cause havoc on our relationships. Your inner child is your feelings and emotions, your outer child is a 12 year old big brother doing his best to protect your inner child’s feelings.

Let me tell you, ME, the grounded man would never say those things to women, but I allowed the outer child to take over, that’s on me. I have wrecked, ok, no maybe more accurately, destroyed romantic relationships by allowing my outer child to decide what my behaviour is.

As men, we need to learn how to handle our internal emotional needs, because if we don’t, part of our nervous system hands the wheel to the outer child, and he does some messed up stuff to protect your inner child. That’s the thing to know, your psyche is trying to protect you. It’s automatic.

We are at a huge disadvantage because WE SIMPLY AREN’T TAUGHT HOW TO NAVIGATE OUR FEELINGS.

Your partner is not your mom. Your mom helped you with your feelings (or maybe she didn’t which makes this even HARDER) but as a man, that’s 100% on you, but what are you doing to take care of your feelings? Once you can see what you are doing, APOLOGIZE. I know for me, I did not see the damage I was doing so I did not apologize often enough, that was a difficult thing, because the outer child does a good job of justifying behaviour.

All is not lost.

1-Own your behaviour.

2-Apologize.

3-Start learning the skills to change. (which is actually healing work, you as a man learning how to take care of you emotional core so that the outer child doesn’t decide how to take care of your inner child-you do)

This takes a NEW level of humility too, you can do it. It’s not weakness, it’s power.

It’s ok, not your fault, but it is 100% your responsibility now.

Top 5 books I think every man should read

by Brandon Archer | Jun 1, 2020 | Mens Work / Mens Coaching

I have never been what I would call a “reader”. I do enjoy reading books, it just takes me a while to get through them. On my journey of self-discovery, books have played a big part in my steps of growth. Over the years, people have said to me ” oh you should read this book, it’s great!” One thing I have learned is that if you are picking up a book that is made to give you some enlightenment, you 100% have to be ready subconsciously to accept the messages. That said, I want to share some books that influenced, me, helped me grow at different points in my life. I recommend all of these books for men even though some are not specifically for men, they can help you expand your knowledge of your self.

The Power of Now

Eckhart Tolle

This was one of the most pivotal books I have ever read. The premise that you are not your mind, or your thoughts are one I use in my coaching practice. The idea that your mind enjoys negative things and a belief system that you may not agree with is such an important concept to understand.

The Voice of Knowledge

Don Miguel Ruiz

This book helped me see that my viewpoint or reality is always different then everyone else around me. Even if we experience the same event, we are interpreting everything from our own reality. This was a game-changer in helping me be more understanding toward others.

The Way of the Superior Man

David Deida

This was the first book I read that would be called “men’s work” and wow, this was the pivot I was waiting for. This book lead me down a path of exploring my personal masculinity and just what it means to me and my interactions with women.

No More Mr. Nice guy

Dr. Robert A Glover

I cannot say enough about this book. EVERY man that feels like he deserves more, that his wife or girlfriend doesn’t appreciate how nice he is all the things he does for her, and thinks he is not just a regular guy needs to read this book. Only read this book if you are ready to start the journey of being the best version of your self.

Iron John – A book about Men

Robert Bly

This is one of the most beautiful books I have ever read. This is a pillar of the modern mythopoetic men’s movement. It explores the lore of old and how the authors were referring to the journey of boyhood to manhood. Be ready to go deep, be amazed at how authors and poets have been writing about the transition of a boy to man for centuries.

This is only my top 5, as I read more books along my personal journey, I will continue to share them!

How a heart attack brought me to mens work

by Brandon Archer | Dec 30, 2019 | Mens Work / Mens Coaching

This post was originally posted on Medium ( have a look I have a few writings there ) in January 2018. At the time I did not have this website, but now I feel it appropriate to share here too.

Original post title

Heart attack at age 41-the best thing that ever happened to me

This is a story I have wanted to share for some time, and it looks like Medium is the way I want to do that. I will share my discoveries about the stresses of life, what effect it had on me, and how I learned to deal with it.

I little bit of background before I get to the big event. I have been a cyclist for 30 years, yes 30 years. I am 43 and I purchased my first road bike when I was 12. I have ridden road bikes, BMX, and my real passion for road cycling. Spending 10 or more hours riding per week is very common for me. You could say I am fit.

Spring of 2016. I had been divorced for a few years by now and was probably fitter than I ever had been. I had put in the time on the bike over the winter and I felt great. I was excited to race. In the last couple of years, I had been able to win a couple of local races against the local fast guy 26 years old and man was he fast. I was ready to give him a run for his money.

THE BIG DAY

This is the big day. The day I have a heart attack. Every Sunday there is a group ride that leaves from downtown and weaves through the outskirts of the city for challenging 75km ride. Every hill that comes along it turns into a race. At the top everyone regroups, then at the next hill, race time again. The first big hill I give it everything I have as a test for my fitness. As I was hoping, I can keep up with all the fast guys. But today I was not there to prove anything so I back off. About 30 min later, at the start of another hill, I tell my friend I am going to take it easy because I am feeling sick. 1 minute later I am off my bike, another minute later I am sitting on the ground.

I was fortunate that day. I had someone drive me to the hospital. It was confirmed that yes I was having a heart attack. On the 1–10 scale it was probably at 2 maybe 3. But still scary as hell. There were a few times while hooked up to the monitors the alarms went off and all the nurses came rushing in. The second time that happened, I noticed the look on their faces, they didn’t know why this was happening. Not a very reassuring situation. I texted the mother of my children that she should probably bring the kids to see me because, well, you never know…….

WHAT NEXT?

After the initial shock, it was time to talk to the cardiologist about the why, and what to do next.

Doctor: “any family history of heart disease?”

Me:”no”

Doctor:”any cocaine use?”

Me:” uh, no”

Doctor:”do you eat lots of fast food and junk food”

Me:”no”

Doctor:”Well Brandon I have to tell you, we aren’t sure whats happened. You are a low-risk heart attack patient”

Me:” Is stress a possible factor?”

Doctor:”yes it is, but there is no test that measures that”

There is was. Stress.

My life was stressful, I “felt it” every single day physically.

THE WAKE-UP CALL

So wait a minute…..Stress caused me to have a heart attack? My life, caused a heart attack? Think about that.

Well, that doesn’t work for me. But what do I do about it? I have to work right? I have to make X amount of money right? It doesn’t matter if I hate my job, it just has to be done, right? Or does it?

I needed time to heal physically and emotionally. I could have died. On the day of the heart attack, I was going to head home and rest, not go to the hospital. I could have died. I don’t think I like that idea.

The next year was one of discovery. Of meeting new people with new perspectives on life. I challenged all my thoughts and feelings on, well, just about everything. I did not want stress in my life. What is stress? Wow, that’s a huge questions. My discovery? It was my viewpoint, it was my choice on how I reacted to situations. But can that be changed? Aren’t we a product of our upbringing, our environment?

THE AWAKENING

The wake-up call and the awakening are 2 different things. The way I see it, the wake-up call was the universe slapping me in the face saying “hey Brandon, guess what, you need to DO something”. The awakening was me listening to the universe. I had no road map saying what to do next. I mentioned meeting new people. I think you can learn something from everyone you meet. And I learned a few key things from new people in my life that worked form me. Here is what I found.

The DO Something

1-Journal

It can be a challenge to get started-I know it was for me. Try to write every day, even if you write “ I don’t know what to write”. Know that what you write is for you, be honest with the person you are writing to -yourself. Do not judge yourself, let the words, thoughts, feelings flow. Be patient with your self.

2-Read

I honestly don’t think there is such a thing as a bad book. If it has to do with ways to can improve yourself and manage stress-read it. Here are a few books that changed my world. ANGER by Thich Nhat Hanh, POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle VOICE Of KNOWLEDGE and THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by don Miguel Ruiz.

3-Meditate

What? You aren’t a monk at a monastery? Guess what none of us are. Meditation is NOT what I thought it was. Try the headspace phone app. There is a free 10-day trial. try 30 days straight. It changed my life(cliche I know but true) It’s important you have no expectations about what will happen. Make it a habit. This is the single most powerful stress management tool I have found.

4-Exercise

It does not have to be riding your bike 10 hours a week. I do think daily is helpful. 30 min walk can make a world of difference. Go explore a nature trail. Oh, and leave your phone at home.

5-Find an artistic outlet

Sounds strange? This was such a great discovery for me. I had paints and canvas at home from my daughter. I tried it one day and you know what, it was amazing. If you don’t want to paint, go to the art gallery, attend a poetry reading. Open your mind to new possibilities. I have reached parts of myself through the arts I didn’t even know where there.

I touched on it a bit in the descriptions of my 5 suggestions, all of these things have an added bonus besides start to help you manage stress. They help you tap into yourself and start allowing you to understand what it is you really want from your life. More on that in a bit.

GRATITUDE FOR THE HEART ATTACK

I can say it now, as I reflect on the past 18 months, a heart attack at age 41 was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was “given” the opportunity to use this event to wake up or let it haunt me. I choose to wake up. I hope you take your situation and choose the same. What is now happening to me in my life is simply amazing. Keep reading, I hope it inspires you to start your journey.

WHAT I WANT

Do you mean to say I have been living my life in a way that I don’t want to? Yup. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it. But we get locked into so many “norms” and “expectations” that society says we need to strive for. If you have read this far, you probably are in agreement with that. The expectations and norms you are locked in could be different for you then it was for me. I am going to save that for another article.

I am not a writer, I am a guy that has lived some interesting experiences and just want to share. Maybe it speaks to you, maybe you can take something away that you can use.

Thanks for reading, Brandon

Addendum to the original post

Damn, a lot has happened since I wrote this. I never knew growth could be such a journey. I now realize it will NEVER end and as long as I am hungry to learn, the growth will continue and that’s pretty exciting. In the few weeks leading up to posting this on my blog and writing the addendum, a lot has happened that has made me realize the growth is non stop. Sometimes that growth comes with some pain, some healing and then the growth. Subject matter for another post.

You can’t make this journey alone

What do I mean by that? Well I went pretty far reading, journaling and reflecting on my behaviour and patterns within my romantic relationship, and I did improve, but I reached a plateau where I need the next tools, the next breakthrough to continue growing. I stalled out and felt stuck, frustrated that I could not see the blind spots I knew I must have. I searched for a men’s group and fond one that fit my needs perfectly. The SamuraiBrotherhood catapulted me to new levels. More on that in another post. Having love, and intimacy with other men is something our society does not teach in fact make it seem taboo. I am now on a new mission to help shift that paradigm as I have experienced the power of those relationships.

I feel like I have so much write about now!

Gratitude for taking the time to read

Brandon

It’s Never to Late to Coach Full Time

by Brandon Archer | Feb 24, 2019 | Cycling

Wow, here we go! Brandonarcher.com is live. It took me a while to get to this point but I am excited to share it with everyone. There is so much I want to say, to share about my journey to this point in the coaching world. Before I do that, I thought I would share something from 2017. I was honored to have via sports feature an article about my experience in coaching. Thank you to Pacific Sport Okanagan for the recommendation. Have a read HERE its the Capital news story based on the Viasport article.

thanks for stopping by, Brandon

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